It’s January. Looking out of my office window, I see sullen grey skies and sodden ground. It’s very, very cold and I keep huddling closer to the little radiator next to me. I know I should go and put a jumper on, but I don’t want to move. I could go and make a Nice Hot Cup of Tea, but it requires that ‘moving’ thing again. Ugh.
I continue to sit and be cold and tea-less.
Sitting here, I gradually begin to remember how bone tired I am. I feel as though if I sat here for long enough, I would ossify into an exhibition piece titled “Woman-shaped Dust”.
Alongside this sense of being dried-out, I am enjoying my temporary solitude. The kind of genuine peace that settles over a place – as though the house can allow itself to exhale and drop its shoulders. Maybe even close its eyes and rest for a little while before it has the energy of two of us permeating its walls again.
Enjoying time alone is a precious thing for me. I have spent many years feeling terrified at the thought of it. I have been experiencing panic disorder and agoraphobia on and off for many years. To be alone at home felt dangerous and frightening. I still deal with these infuriating conditions, but I am slowly making progress.
So now, I am alone in the house for a while without fear. It’s a glorious feeling.
I have so much to write about – so much I want to say (do I?).
I welcome 2021 because we know more. We are not who we were last year. We are being called to level-up our evolutionary game. There is so much love out there for us all. I hope it’s especially visible this year.
I send you warm-hearted blessings,